Lemonnism

並不是每個人都想看起來年輕好幾歲, OK!?

現在就為大家說明為何小女子我想走成熟路線吧! Baby face 也是有心酸之處滴...

話說回來...前幾天去買酒, 結帳時 cashier 問我說, "May I see your ID please?"

我聽不清楚, 又問他一次他說啥...then he said again, "May I see your ID please?" 我還沒有掏出我的皮夾時, 他便又接下面一句, "You're not 19, are you?"

ㄘㄟˋ!!我馬上以很不削的口氣回答, "I'm 21!"

他看了我的 driver license 之後, 臉上充滿了懷疑的表情, 又說道, "Do you have another ID?" 我心想..."哇哩咧!!搞什麼啊~~買個酒還要被當作是未成年一樣, 問東問西的, 真煩!"

所幸他在看了我的 visa card 之後, 眉頭終於不皺了, 終究他還是得把酒賣給我 ^^

Well...開車回家的途中, 我還真有種說不出的無奈......

唉~剪這顆頭居然會給生活上帶來不便之處!!!

Today is not my day.

原本以為一大早的好天氣可以掃掉一些昨晚的悶氣, 結果沒想到還沒出門前就事事不如意...

在巷子口等公車時, 等了老半天等不到去 UBC 的, 不耐煩又加上怕這時不搭 99 有遲到的可能之下, 我決定往 Granville 方向步行五分鐘搭 99. 結果才剛走完一個 Block 就眼睜睜看著 17 號 UBC 不知從那兒冒出來, 氣死我了!!連公車都跟我作對!

幸好 99 並沒有等太久, 不然我真的會"倆鞏". 但是搭上 99 的時間是我平常搭上去的時間再晚個5分鐘. 心裡正著急著, 等一下要從 bus loop 走到 Kenny's building, 我的媽呀! 這樣可能要用跑的做實驗才不會遲到. 正希望公車能開快一點時, 在 sasamat 又碰到消防車和救護車的堵塞, 雖然也沒有塞很久, 但是到最後我還是遲到了@@........

到了 Kenny's Building, 很糟糕的是 Room2212 不但不知道在哪, 甚至連地圖上都找不到...地圖上只有個數字接近的 Room 2214. 還好, 2212 就在那附近, 被我給找到了. 本來想說遲到那麼久實驗不等人了, 進去之後才發現這實驗是個別做的.

晚上原本想 upload 一些最近照的照片, 結果連讀卡機都給我讀不出來!!!!!!!!!!所以一氣之下我只好 po 別的來給它發洩發洩 :(

其他什麼啦哩拉雜的我就不多說了, 總而言之, Today is not my day.

別 call 我, 手機沒開.

最近的我很脆弱. 就連一個人逛街時看到爸爸媽媽帶著女兒挑選香水, 我也很想哭...

是啊, 其實我已經很幸福了, 父母都健在, 不愁吃穿住...這些我都懂, 但是不知為何當我看到那畫面時, 我就會想到我小時後...爸爸媽媽帶我去逛百貨公司的情景, 還有在公園時, 爸爸媽媽看著我在溜滑梯的情景. 最令我懷念的是每次在過馬路時, 他們會一人抓著我右手腕, 一人抓著我左手腕, 邊喊"小飛俠飛啊~~"邊把我抬到馬路另一頭. 懸空的腳下斑馬線一黑一白快速閃過的畫面猶新, 頭抬起來看到的則是爸爸媽媽對我微笑的臉龐...

我仍然記得很清楚...很清楚...

以前沒有現在寬裕, 有啥不好? 至少, 當我坐在摩托車上當爸爸媽媽的夾心時, 我是感受得到愛的. 就算因為在摩托車上睡著而失去手中尚未吃完的棒棒糖, 我也不會比現在因為失去的事感到更難過...我不想當現在的夾心餅啊! 我懷念以前的夾心餅...

我知道我不能一直活在過去, 但是事實就是...很難忘.

唉...想17,8年前的事有什麼用呢? 現在應該是讓對方各自尋找另一個人生的時候了.

爸爸四月中要來/ 房子買不買/ 賣不賣/ 媽媽住哪兒/各分一半是哪一半......

我通通不想管了.

我會忍著淚水.

我會好好準備 final.

只要我活得過四月的話.

又是一次覺得 baby face 造成我很大困擾的經驗...

Apartment Hunting that is.

前天去找的三間 apartment 其中就有兩個 manager 懷疑我的年齡, 有一個甚至猜我是15, 6歲的女孩. 被當作是 teenager 也就算了, 但是被懷疑是年紀輕輕小美眉就一個人要在外租公寓住又加上帶個看似年紀大我很多的男朋友一起來看, 那種滋味可不是好受滴, 好像我瞞著父母做壞事一樣.

你 manager 會不會管太多了啊?

以後我去應徵工作搞不好還會被問, "May I help you? Are you looking for your parents?"
啊啊啊...我想去整一下 baby fat 臉頰!

*今天破例讓咱們家寶貝兔 Waffles 出來逛 "大街"...地上的一顆顆蘿蔔是我妹的傑作, 第一眼看到時真是笑死人了~~

While I'm taking gender psychology now, there has been lots of fun stuff I've read about in the textbooks. One chapter titled "The Gendered Family", in which I found pretty interesting statements in the section "Gendered Parents, Gendering Children". This is the beginning of the section:

" Another cause of the decline in marital happiness is, surprisingly, children. Children tend to put a damper on marital bliss. Couples who remain childless report higher levels of marital satisfaction than do those with children."

Surprise? Nah, not a surprise for me though. I forgot since when I've already had the thought of not having a child in my life. My belief is that marriage should belong to solely the couple, if, the purpose of getting married is to prove your love and have commitment to each other, not to have children and raise them together. If children would decrease your marital happiness, then what is the purpose to have a child? To inherit your genes? To expect the child to accompany you when you get old? But before that you could've lost the happiness you want from your marriage.

Perhaps this is the way it is. Marital happiness turns out to be family happiness gradually through the life course. But then why, why some married men and women still have an afair with someone else? Unless you're very sure that your partner is faithful to you, don't have children after getting married. Or, don't even get married...marriage is just a paper work that proves nothing. Yet nobody's ever sure about anything. I thought I've had faith in one man, but he failed us whatsoever! And the result? Children are the victims under the spoiled marriage. Or, couples could be the victims too. So why kidding?

還以為 White Rock 是個醫療健全的養老聖地, BUT, 等了將近5小時的急診還算是人可以住的地方嗎?? 除了最後的醫生診斷外沒有受到任何的醫療服務, 扯到不能再扯了吧??

下次掛急診可能要先割腕數十下才不會等太久.

I guess people who kill themselves always have priorities...at least they won't be ignored.

老爸...是的.
學長不是普通朋友.

原本我是應該好好唸書的, 但是剛看了一些社會新聞我實在忍不住又想來吐口水, 巧的是我明天要考的與家庭暴力, 婚姻暴力以及婦女受到的不公平待遇有極大的關聯.

"The abuse of women includes intentional acts that injure a woman; these acts may be physical, psychological, or sexaul." Of all, psychological abuse is the "most destructive component of the abusvie experience." Let me make a personal example: intrusion of one's privacy. This can be very humiliating, especially when the man use the "evidence" (which he gets by all means: recording the conversation when his wife's on the phone or peeking into his wife's and children's diary) as a weapon against either his wife or his children. Dehumanize women by these mean ways? Believe me, it happened.

"Battering results in more injuries that require medical treatment than rape, auto accidents and muggins combined." Yet I think the issue of battering women has been ignored for a long long time; even if it hasn't been ignored, the number of women who have been battered are under-reported. Most women do not want to report because they fear, because they have nowhere to go if leaving their husbands, because they concern about their children, and because they still love their husbands. Victims? You can count 2 in my family. Since I was a child, I've seen the man hit his wife, push her, slap her face, kick her butt, and so on. When I grew up, I've experienced the same thing: my head hit, my whole body pushed, my face slapped (while I was wearing glasses), my butt kicked, verbally abused and thrown by a slipper. A woman that's been battered seriously wouldn't make these all up just like i'm telling you right now it HAS happend to me, though it might not be as serious enough to undergo medical treatment but why would I make these up just to gain people's pity? Ironically most governements in every country seem to spend more money on their national defence and less money on shelters for those women who have experienced long term domestic violence.

Battering has its long histroy, and it also has its mysteries. 1.Battered women enjoy being beaten. 2.Battered women deserve to be beaten. 3.Battered women could easily leave if they really want to. Ridiculous statements? But studies show that a large number of people think that marital violence is acceptable. One American study shows that 24% wives and 28% husbands think that slapping is ok; 4% wives and 3% husbands think that such behavior is necessary.

It's such a sad thing that while a man uses violence against us, we hold no solid evidence to accuse him; however, he could just use his filthy way to present the evidence in which we only showed minor disagreements with him or verbally hurt him under an emotional situation, and use that evidence to humiliate a woman who is much less powerful than him. A man who uses violence against a woman can't never be called a man. If he tries to dehumanize women via violence, then in fact he dehumanizes himself.

Last words: women should fight back against violence without fear or humiliation. It is those who hit their wives should feel humiliated.

I think I'm wasting money and time on my blog...

Hell~what's the point of pointing out the pointlessness in my pointless life??

Maybe it's better to deal with my emotions privately.

Here's what I really wanted to write about few days ago before my exam:

1. 什麼叫做沒有扮演好"媳婦的角色"??? 請自己定義媳婦的角色為何, and then you'll realize that 沒有扮演好媳婦角色其實就是沒有扮演好"女傭角色". 就以台灣文化來說, 為什麼自古一直以來都強調婆媳關係呢??你有聽說過"娘婿"關係嗎??? 沒有那是當然的, 還不是因為在傳統觀念裡女人一律是"嫁夫隨夫", 結婚後不僅要伺候公公婆婆還要把他們當自己爹娘看待. 這樣也就算了, 但是有的大男人居然不允許妻子孝順自己的父母! 最可憐的是那些自己有事業又有生小孩的女人, 上班下班都不得閒. 但又有多少男人會分擔家務呢?? 女人難道不能跟男人平等有自己的事業嗎?? 除了生殖器官第二象徵有所不同外, 難道男人女人差別就那麼大嗎?? 今天如果生小孩的是男人, 那男人大概就不會抱怨那麼多了. 你娶的女人是來當你的妻子, 不是當你的傭人, 好嗎? 而你是嫁給你的男人, 不是嫁給他全家, 好嗎?? 都什麼年代了還要要求愛屋及烏喔?? 當然我不是說要討厭對方的家人或是沒感情, 而是有太多太多的男人對愛屋及烏的定義已經到了過分離譜的地步. 想想看你的男人也會反過來對你的家人愛屋及烏嗎??? 聰明的女人, 絕對不要把自己嫁了之後也把自己賣了. 婚姻本來就是小倆口的世界, 和對方家人還是保持距離為妙.

2. 女人的邏輯真的比男人的差嗎??? 錯錯錯! 以數學來說, 其實男女生在學校分數差異不大, 就算有差異, 也是女生略勝男生. 如果你聽說過在SAT的數學部分女生總是比男生差, 那你就錯了. 其實傳統SAT並不能衡量以後在學校的數學程度, 因為SAT數學身分數低的女生往往在大學時分數跟男生一樣高. 可悲的是每年因為有SAT分數不及被入學標準刷掉的女生比男生還要多. 為什麼咧?? 追根究底從小時後說起: 父母老師以及社會大眾一般的認知都會覺得女生數理不好. 想想看台灣的自然組社會組的性別分配你就明瞭了. 而長期以來女生們就在這樣的教育模式下生長, 不知不覺很多女生都會覺得自己的數理真的不行而失去信心. 一般人還有一種認知: 數理科比較男性化, 而文科比較女性化. 當然我不是說所有的女生都是這樣相信 gender stereotype. 以我自己來說, 從小到大我的數理一直都比文科好, 我會從生化轉到心理學純粹也是基於興趣, 我從來就不相信女生理工會比男生不好, 因為通常數理班上頂尖的學生還是女生居多. 那麼為啥Engineering 的男女生分配差這麼多!? 大概就是因為還有很多女孩子覺得自己無法跟男生競爭吧! 其實近年來的性別分配已經比以往好多了. 我相信總有一天 Engineering 的男生女生比例將會是1:1. 女人們千萬不要對號入座, 相信自己的能力才不會被男人們給統治了. 剛柔並濟, 這是很多男人要學的.

爸爸媽媽彼此沒有愛 難道這就是生命的真理?
可不可以讓我再
讓我再一次回到那個美麗世界裡 去逃避

嘩啦啦啦啦啦 天在下雨
嘩啦啦啦啦啦 雲在哭泣
嘩啦啦啦啦啦 滴入我的心
不用說我只會胡思亂想 不用跟我說我只會妄想
嘩啦啦啦啦啦 讓我去淋雨
我只希望能夠再
能夠再一次回到那個美麗時光裡

找自己

I'm not sure if i'm myself anymore. For a long time, I couldn't breathe. I thought if we're a family, then we can accept each other with love, no matter what happens. But I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too naive. I try to love them equally, but they've kept to bring the hatred to me. This makes everything so hard, so impossible, and I start to doubt if there's ever love in my family, if they do really love me. People said they understand how I feel that I'm between a couple that no longer love each other but hate each other, but shall I say, nobody can really really understand the hell I'm in. Perhaps I still have the illusion that we 4 are still an unbroken family; perhaps I still have the illusion that they haven't got divorced; perhaps I'm just lying to myself that everything's better this way. I don't know what's right and what's wrong now...I don't know how I can help myself get through this...I don't know how far I can keep going...I don't know how to love them anymore...They made me. Made me afraid of marriage, afraid of losing loyalty, afraid of trust. I don't even know why the hell I'm existing in this world. A child that've been given up by both of their parents. At least I've heard them say it once from their mouths.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough. And I'm sorry for disappointing you both.

我希望我能到另一個世界找自己.

窗外下著細細的毛毛雨, 框框裡的景象變得好模糊好模糊, 人車往前移, 時光卻錯亂地往後倒轉, 我告訴自己不要回頭, 不要回頭...但終究從我眼角偷偷溜走的視線還是落在了我們的家. 不, 現在是別人的家了.

交屋前, 我在空盪盪的房子裡徘徊, 此刻腦中浮現的除了回憶外還是回憶. 按耐不住的辛酸, 卻又忍著不哭出來. "要是被媽媽看見我哭泣, 她一定會崩潰." 試著告訴自己要勇敢, 就算真的不勇敢也要裝勇敢. 難以置信, 卻又很清楚交了鑰匙以後, 就再也沒機會踏進這裡一步了...

"舊的不去新的不來", 這誰都知道, 但這次搬家對我們來說不只是搬家而已, 而是我們靈魂也跟著搬離了軀殼. 受傷的心靈不被諒解, 還要被灑鹽...無奈之外又能怎樣? 好自為之, 自己舔自己的傷口吧!

在生命中飄過的歷史, 不回頭去看是很難的一件事. 不管以後會經過那裡多少次, 我想我還是會忍不住回頭, "啊~最後一個曾經完整的家."

自從昨晚小諾跟我說那張她幫我照的 portrait 是她 Flickr 裡最多人view 的, 我就一直處著驚訝之感. 剛剛在好奇心促使之下, 我點進去再看一次那個不像我的 portrait, 赫然發現有兩個人將這張列為 favorite. 但是更驚訝的在後頭...其中一人代號 "psychedesire" 的所有三千多張 favorite 照片裡, 居然幾乎都是煽情照...(我不想講色情照因為搞不好人家覺得那是藝術照).

有種掉入陷阱的感覺.

腦中開始浮現以前看過的變態殺人魔電影--專門收集女生照片, 外表又一副斯文樣的高智商殺人犯...

想太多嗎? 或許...

我這不再相信婚姻的人
居然在婚禮上掉淚...
是諷刺的淚水嗎?

"我保證我會讓她幸福的."

保證書難道沒有期限嗎????

我買了一包鱈魚香絲
吃了一個月還在吃...

剩一個禮拜就到期了

因為太美好

           所以迷失了......

這個世界上或許已沒有他的容身之地
如同空氣中懸浮的粒子
飄來飄去
在人群中更是反覆被彈開
他被磨得越來越小
越來越小...
就算他消失
也沒有人會注意到

可悲的是
他不可能就這樣平空消失
違反大自然的質量定律
介於存在與不存在之間
他
就是這麼一回事
別人不當做一回事的一回事

我願意.

努力把頭抬高高
望著天花板數:
一, 二, 三...

不哭不哭
這樣眼淚就掉不下來了.

手中許多布偶
試著扮演好每個角色...
媽媽女兒的角色
爸爸女兒的角色
姊姊的角色
情人的角色
學生的角色
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

好累.

最近真是慘糟了~
莫名其妙來個膀胱炎半夜掛急診,
吃了藥頭昏得無法唸書
煩啊煩啊...

於是,
又卯起勁來 update 之前欠很久的照片...

嗯! 考完後我一定要好好找個方法整理我的相本!

* 最新 update 的相本會擺在最上方

最近沒啥心情blogging
實在是考完後就發生一連串事
去LA的計畫在前一天被迫臨時取消
接下來幾天便瘋狂尋找在White Rock的租屋
沒錯
我又要搬回白石了
就在下星期

別問我為什麼
整件事情重頭說起只是令人做噁

5/24畢業
5/29回台
再見

欺騙自己還不用面對現實的時候.

神啊~
    請你轉快時間的齒輪吧!

咬第一口的時候,
酸酸甜甜,
是期待, 興奮, 緊張的心情...
下一口是什麼滋味?

酸酸的感覺沒有了,
而是越來甜美可口,
越來越甜, 越來越美...

等等...
怎麼越嚐越苦?
呀!
真的是苦的了。

剩下的果核,
還是不要好了。

放在罐子裡收藏吧。

I'm going back to Taiwan soon.
No, it's not a joke. I'd wish it is.

She's gone.
I can't believe it.

He cried.
I don't know how to comfort him.

We're moving next year.
Again.

It's not that easy.
It sounds easy because you've got everything I don't have.

It's almost two years.
I still can't forget about it.

My asthma comes back again.
I can't sleep well at night.

I won't count down.
I don't care anymore.

Sometimes people just need someone who can listen to them.
There's no need to analyze things for them when they're already very upset.

People start to leave without saying goodbye.
I lost two love ones in a single year.

My happiness is short-lived.
My troubles never end.

Please don't go.
Please.

People pity her.
There's a reason for that.

A young mother without much work experience can still make big money.
She doesn't even have to cook!

I don't know how to cherish?
Maybe. Or maybe not.

I cherished my family, and it's broken.
I cherished our friendship, and it's gone.

I didn't "rob" him.
I swear or I'll be run over by a car.

What do you want to know more?
Ask me directly and don't act like a chicken who pretended not seeing me.

I don't believe in God.
I don't believe in marriage.

Is it some kinda joke?
I'm going back to Taiwan soon.

請看我的無名指,

Don't even think about it.

你知道嗎? 有很多時候, 這兩個字是達到成功的處方籤。

我想, 對一個藝術家來說, 更是如此。

臉上長了皮疹,
希望它會長成一隻蝴蝶,
這樣,
我就可以飛走...
耳根清靜,
無憂無慮...

對岸的慶典開始了。

繽紛的彩帶在空中劃來劃去,
印有皇室標記的旗子隨風飄揚,
絢麗的花火在天上爆開...

瞬間的彩光印在我臉上。
一次又一次...不持久的光。

我靜靜的聽著,
對岸的歡笑聲。
那裡燈火通明,
而我將被黑暗淹沒。

我想, 我需要一個天使,
一個可以教我記起如何笑的天使。

我在孤島, 一個人。

我想我再也沒有機會可以當面跟你們兩個說話,
只能藉由書信的方式懇求你們相信我說的每一字每一句。

首先, 我要說, 我愛你們。

這是真的。
也就是因為這樣, 每當你們在互相傷害彼此, 無論是語言上或是肢體上時,
我都非常痛苦。
記得以前小時候, 你們吵架時我都只會躲在樓上偷偷哭泣,
當你們吵要離婚, 問我要跟誰時, 我死也不肯開口。
因為我誰也不想跟...我想要大家在一起。
你們知道嗎?

兩年前, 你們終究還是離婚了。
是我勸媽媽離的。我想這樣對你們兩個都好。
沒想到, 事情並沒有因此改善...
你們成了仇人。
離婚協議書簽了之後, 不互相來往也就算了, 很正常。
但是你們連溝通都不肯, 只肯透過我當傳聲筒, 甚至是把我當垃圾桶,
把彼此以往的瘡疤毫不留情地全揭露出來,
有的是我聽過上萬次聽到爛掉的, 有的甚至是完全沒聽過的。

好, 我全都承受了。為了不讓你們又受對方的傷害, 我全都一個人吞了。
但是, 我最氣的就是, 你們到垃圾給我也就算了, 為什麼一直要我選邊站???
你們兩個都堅持, 這世界上一定有是非, 而你們都覺得自己才是百分之百對的。
不僅如此, 還要我認同你們。
違背我的良心, 撒了多少次的謊, 自己都分不清到底誰的話才是事實,
你們還是覺得我在替另一方想而已。
你們還是覺得我認為另一方才是對的。

你們都喜歡冤枉我。
其實我覺得每件事都沒有絕對的是非, 每個人都有對有錯。
但是你們不肯相信我。不相信我還要逼問我...
難道我用心良苦, 想保護你們, 換來的只是你們對我的責問??
難道我想公平, 不對嗎?
難道我想愛爸爸, 也愛媽媽, 不對嗎??
誰對誰錯真的有那麼重要嗎?

你們沒有血緣關係, 離婚關係沒了就算了, 但是我身上留著你們共同的血液,
我不能這樣就跟其中一邊了斷吧?
你們可以留點空間給我嗎?
你們有想過, 你們的世界, 你們的恩恩怨怨, 並不代表我世界的中心嗎??
你們有想過, 我有我的人生, 我可以不受你們的怨氣過好一點的生活嗎??
難道你們不想要自己的女兒幸福嗎??
為什麼你們就不能給我一絲絲正面的思想?
因為你們婚姻的失敗, 導致我不再信任婚姻, 不像其他女孩對婚姻憧憬,
你們知道嗎???

你們大概不知道為何會為難我, 廢話!
你們只管倒垃圾給我, 我收的是雙方的垃圾,
而你們也不會收到對方的垃圾, 因為我不是大嘴巴,
你們當然不清楚我為難在哪啦?
你們知道這有多痛苦? 我很難做人耶...

當我聽舅舅們在講爸爸如何如何,
聽奶奶跟姑姑在我面前數落媽媽的不是,
我還不是什麼都不敢吭聲, 一字一句自己吞。
你們不感激也就算了, 還對我追究到底, 問我為什麼不替你們說句公道話。
你以為我不想嗎??
但是這樣爭下去有什麼用? 這樣是有智慧的做法嗎?
你們都是大人了為何還這樣斤斤計較??
我還不是自己吞?

我吞夠了!
你們到底要跟我要什麼?
Huh?
你們一定要我討厭對方就是了?
那你們為什麼要把我生下來??

我曾想過, 要是我真的結婚了,
我還真煩惱呢...婚禮豈不是要為你們辦兩場?
仇人在婚禮上見面不就氣氛很僵?

那喪禮好了, 我也沒機會辦第二場喪禮了。

這就是你們要的。
高興了吧 。

Christmas又要到了。
總覺得一年比一年過得快...

以往我最喜歡的節日就是耶誕節, 在台灣的時候就有過耶誕的習慣。每次耶誕, 媽媽都會準備禮物給我們, 還有在耶誕樹上裝飾用的小盒子內藏一些小東西, 像橡皮擦, 別針, 和巧克力之類的。

來加拿大之後我更愛這裡耶誕的氣氛, 總為各式各樣華麗的裝飾所著迷, 為準備過節而大肆採購的舉動所感染...

只是今年, 超級不想過 Christmas。
因為 Christmas 過後, 接著就 2007 年...

很慢的一年。

我受夠了!
一向就很受不了沒有時間觀念, 常常約會遲到的人。
如果是不常見面的人那也就算了, 但如果是身邊最親近的人如此, 那我已經受夠了!

愛遲到的人都有一個共通點: 每次都有藉口。

藉口可分為:
a. 塞車
b. 出門前找東西 (錢包, 鑰匙, etc.)
c. 出門前幫家人處理事情
d. 看錯時間
e. 睡過頭, 鬧鐘壞了
f. 突然接到重要電話

我知道, 有些事真的無法避免, 但是總是可以縮短遲到的時間吧! 就算塞車, 出門前早就該算好交通上所費的時間, 遇到 rush hour 就應該更早出門不是嗎??

那麼看錯時間是怎樣?? 這真的是最最最爛的藉口!!
跟人家約時間準時本來就是一種禮貌, 不能說是因為關係越親, 你就期望他人可以容忍。就算今天你不是去趕著面試或赴重要的會議, 準時本來就是應該的! 我這樣說有錯嗎!? 請各位評評理。

請列舉十個男友不在身邊的好處, 或許我就不會那麼感傷了。

It is a sad thing to hear one says, "回台灣沒前途."
Oh I know, it means "沒錢途" 吧.

How could one say that without any hesitation?

Taiwan is the place we were born in, the place we were brought up, and the place that would make us think about the blood flows inside our bodies. I don't understand why anyone could be so sure that he/she won't go back to where he/she comes from? Sounds pretty hopeless to me. I never never give up the possibilities of coming back to Taiwan and live here for good. I am saying this not because I don't have to worry about fulfilling military duty, not because my dad and many good friends are in Taiwan; I am saying this because I never forget who I am. Why deny the least possibilities of having a dream life in Taiwan?

Nothing is fair. I know. But I am already heartbroken.

去過英國的人大概不會不曉得 Top Shop, 也應該都目睹過它的風采。沒去過的人, 只好請你逛逛它們的網站過過乾癮, 然後你就會怨嘆它們為什麼沒有送貨到加拿大來的服務了! Top Shop 針對的年齡層從少女至熟女都有, 風格廣至可愛成熟性感帥氣, 要有什麼就有什麼; 除了衣服之外, 鞋子包包內衣褲和你能想到的飾品它們也一手打造, 要是你去 Top Shop 倫敦旗艦店逛, 包你逛一間就可以手軟腳軟, 其他店甭去了。

相較之下, 溫哥華本地出產的 Aritzia 就遜色許多。這也不能怪它們, 一來它們起步慢, 二來溫哥華當地的設計師也較倫敦少, 所以要它們每一星期都有新產品出來, 目前是不可能。但是! 最近去逛了逛它們家和 tna, 我實在是失望透底! 風格還是一樣, 只是換了個顏色或花樣, 變化之小實在是不吸引人。一件普普普的 tank top 就要 $50+, 好哇, 等 H&M 開張大吉它們就知道, 這類的產品可以撤櫃了, 除非溫哥華的女性朋友都是崇尚牌子選購衣裳的。看看 Aritzia 網站的 fashion show, 嗯...是很北美, 不過這樣的穿著 Old Navy 也可以辦到, 還幫你省 co co。

我說啊, 在溫哥華血拼還真的是挺灰暗的, 不過對我這個窮光蛋來說, 到哪兒都一樣, 還是 window shopping 最實際。

我想要的未來和願景, 似乎與我背道而馳。
我在沙洲的另一端吶喊, 傳到彼方的卻只是一片風沙...

遙遠。那個到不了的盡頭。

又是個晴天霹靂。
受夠了又能怎樣? 從以前到現在不知失望多少次。
真希望有個地方可以讓我到垃圾, 一個人家不會當作一回事卻又會聆聽的地方。
否則, 今天又不知要傷了誰?

或許我該當個啞巴。
或是沒感覺的植物人。

讓我想想發洩的方式:

- 買一堆巧克力蛋糕和 chips 猛吃
- 自行拿小刀刺青
- 用頭撞牆十下
- 躲在廁所大哭一頓, 眼睛不腫不停

明天的此時, 我大概就會清醒了。
到時候, 我的心會冷一些, 這樣就比較不痛了。

It's not the first time that I dreamed about something that I fear the most...these dreams just keep coming back. And no matter how I scream and cry in the dreams, it's useless. Usually I just wake up with tears (yes, real tears) and thank god it's just a dream.

I wonder if this is normal for everyone...or subconsciously I just have fears about something in reality. But I'm sure it's not a subconscious thought. I do realize how much I fear about something. And how difficult it is for me to trust people.

or...the other way around?